Michael C. Hall as the Emcee in Cabaret, 1999
For so long all I wanted was to be like other people. To feel what they felt. But now that I do, I just want it to stop.
My dad woke me up at 4:20 am. By 4:50 I was out the door helping my parents load their luggage into my two-door. Their bus would depart at 5:30 am for Jerez, Zacatecas and take them on a two week vacation to oversee the home they’re building.
I think I was pretty out of it. Awake, but I wasn’t processing anything that was happening.
As I left I caught my mother following me to make sure I got into my car safely. I got flashbacks to middle school when she would walk me all the the way to the front gate. Every day.
My mind was ruminating over the day ahead. Even though I was about to begin my third year in the classroom, the butterflies were ALIVE and BUSTLING inside my belly. My anxiety made me imagine the worst. I can’t really say what “the worst” would be, but it wouldn’t be pretty.
I stopped my routine to write myself a note about the qualities that make me a good educator. Sounds silly, but it helped. The self-affirmation made me feel more confident.
I also received a text message from my friend Megan, whom I met this summer. It was lovely to hear a good luck from her—almost like when a partner wishes you luck on your day in the morning. I’d like for her to be my lover, but the gay thing doesn’t help.
Overall, the day was fine. I didn’t really feel a spark with any of my classes. Things will pick up, I’m sure.
The joy came when I ran into some of my former students. It was so lovely to see them again! Later I checked in with some of the new teachers and we talked about our day.
The best part of my day was when the 7th grade math teacher said that he was suspicious about the new 7th graders. He said they seemed too prepared to be true. I selfishly asked him if he’s noticed a difference in the way English is taught at our school over the last few years and he said yes. A whole team of us worked to prepare those kids.
Let’s see what Day 2 brings us.
I got my glasses today.
I bought a pizza.
I wanted to experience a brain freeze so i bought a Slurpee, but it did not happen.
Happy Birthday to me!
Wondering why I’ve been feeling so unmotivated and apathetic about everything. Doesn’t seem like it’s getting any better.
I’m not feeling any other emotion really. Except extreme sadness when I watch ugly betty. Seriously. I cried during the finale of season 1; yes, it was all too melodramatic but I DID grow up watching telenovelas.
The only other explanation is that I’m finally starting to feel like I spend a lot of time on my own. It doesn’t bother me that I’m not, but I do wonder if maybe I should make a stronger effort to socialize.
Scenario: A guy from my choir is launching an internet TV show with some of his friends. The show already has an existing season. I watched it. It’s supposed to be dark comedy.
My problem with the show. Only one character is a person of color. Why is it a problem? Well, that’s all we see on TV. Friends: all the main characters are white. Will and Grace: all white and the one person of color is highly tokenized. Orange Is The New Black: oh wait. JK. OITNB is all about people of color. Anyway. With so many shows that already represent the experience of white people, I am not going to invest on another show about white people.
I didn’t publicly make this statement so I don’t think this is a form of activism, per se. Nevertheless, I am making a statement. Sort of.
So I guess what I’m trying to ask is…am I just being a jerk or am I actually saying something by not contributing to the campaign?
A few disclaimers…I probably wouldn’t have contributed to any show, unless it was truly about people of color. In addition, I’m sure the show was funded anyway.
I went on a date on Saturday with a boy—20 years old and a software engineer.
I drove from Long Beach to Pasadena where I picked him up to go grab some thai food. Of course. It HAD to be thai food. Since it was about to be his birthday I paid for our meal.
He introduced me to some ground pork salad. I never knew pork could taste light, but the citrus juice it was soaked in made is light and yummy.
A few of my good friends know that I am obsessed with the city of Pasadena, and after dinner we walked around these beautiful homes…that is, until the streets got really dark and it started to look like a scene from a horror flick.
We then stopped at a cute little park and sat on a bench. We talked about our life experiences, privilege, institutional racism, and how we fit into different identity spaces.
I’ve been on a few dates over the last 3 weeks with other guys, but I can honestly say that I have not felt excited about actually going to them. I wasn’t sure what to expect out of this date but I really enjoyed my time with him and his critical consciousness make his natural handsomeness extra hot!
Lo and behold. I’m going out with him again today. Strangely, I already feel invested in this guy. Like, I’ve actually been anxious to hang out with him.
I’m just going to go ahead and say it. I’m excited.